Making a Marriage Work

So I've talked about the importance of marriage, and how it fits into God's eternal plan for us. But is it possible to make a marriage succeed in today's world? Why do so many couples get divorced? How can I have faith in such a scary time for families?

Spencer W. Kimball, twelfth president of the Church, once said at a BYU devotional:

"While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person" (from Duncan and McCarty Zasukha, 2012; quoted from Kimball, 1976).

What an amazing declaration! Doesn't that just make you want to do everything in your power to achieve this "exultant ecstasy"?! How CAN we achieve this?

Stephan F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty Zasukha, in the textbook Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, describe the different principles which they claim make for successful marriages. The principles found in this chapter are: personal commitment to the marriage covenant; love and friendship; positive interaction; accepting influence from one's spouse; respectfully handle differences and solve problems; and continuing courtship through the years (Duncan & McCarty Zasukha, 2012).

In the house of the Lord- the temple- individuals make sacred covenants with God, and husbands and wives make sacred covenants to each other as well as to God. We are promised that when we keep our covenants, we will blessed with an eternal family. Husbands and wives have the sacred duty to be completely faithful to each other. Elder David A. Bednar describes the beautiful relationship between a husband, wife, and the Lord by using a triangle:

"The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily "come unto Christ" and strive to be "perfected in Him" (Moroni 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and woman come closer together" (from Duncan and McCarty Zasukha, 2012; quoted from Bednar, 2006).

We've probably all heard the advice, "marry your best friend". Well, this statement has validity to it! Spouses who learn to have a deeper love than simply passionate love, can truly become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). When the Lord describes the way husbands and wives should love and commit to one another, He is describing a love that involves personal agency (Duncan and McCarty Zasukha, 2012). Love that lasts through the eternities is a love that must be deeper than physical attraction, even deeper than mere friendship. Eternal love is Christ-like love, or charity (see Moroni 7:47). I can say that I have been surprised that I could learn to love my husband Brian more deeply as time goes on. On our wedding day, it seemed that my heart would burst- how could I possibly love him more?! Standing through trials and heartache together; learning to accept weaknesses; and clinging to each other "and none else" (Doctrine and Covenants 42:22) all help a husband and wife learn to love each other with eternal love and friendship.

Spouses who have more positive than negative interaction with each other are more likely to have a successful marriage (Gottman and Silver, 1999). It is important for a husband and wife to strive to be kind and forgiving, happy, and loving toward one another. Obviously, there are times when disagreements come up, but when spouses strive to maintain an environment of peace and harmony between each other, disagreements are less likely to become bigger, long-lasting problems.

Duncan and  McCarty Zasukha (2012) explain that spouses should equally share the influence over their families and homes. Husbands who believe that they have the final say in family matters are misled. The Lord expects husbands and wives to be completely equal. A few weeks ago, the introduction to my class's lesson (it was a lesson on equality in marriage) explained that unity and equal partnership is a divine quality. Complete oneness within a marriage is not something that comes naturally; spouses must consciously strive to draw nearer to each other.

Differences and disagreements do come up in a marriage, since a marriage is made up of two unique and imperfect people. When disagreements do arise, husbands and wives should do their best to maintain respect and love for each other. Problems should not be left to simmer; they need to be dealt with right away and with love and respect. Some problems need not arise at all, through prevention (Duncan and McCarty Zasukha, 2012). One way to prevent problems from coming up is by being transparent to one another: keep each other involved in all aspects of life, and don't ever let the communication lines run down.

Finally, husbands and wives should never stop dating each other! Before we got married, my in-laws gave Brian and I the advice to have a date night every week. Having dates with my husband really makes me a happy woman. It is so nice to get the time alone with him, without distractions. I think we would go crazy if we didn't get alone-time together! I'm a believer of the idea that having consistent date nights can protect a marriage from losing its spark.

These principles are based on research as well as spiritual principles. The Lord really does want husbands and wives to succeed, so He has given us the tools we need in order to make our marriages successful.

Old Mormon Ad

What's the Big Deal?

Why do Mormons put such an emphasis on family? What’s the big deal? This post is from an assignment earlier in the semester:

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint, we believe that the family unit is at the center of the Gospel, and at the center of God’s plan- the Great Plan of Happiness.

Each one of us is a spirit son or daughter of God. Before we were born, we lived in the premortal life (in Heaven) with our heavenly parents. Heavenly Father presented a plan to us that would allow us to eventually progress and become like Him.

This plan would include a creation of a world and of our bodies, the Fall of Man, and an atonement by a Savior. Those of us who decided to follow this plan have been blessed with the privilege to come to Earth as mortals, live in families, experience mortal life, and-if we keep God’s commandments- receive eternal life as families.

Sister Julie B. Beck explained in her address Teaching the Doctrine of the Family, that without the family unit in this life, there wouldn’t be any purpose for our mortality (Beck, 2009). The Creation made it possible for man and woman to come to Earth for their mortal experience; the Fall of Adam made it possible for men and women to procreate and experience the joys, trials, etc. of life; and the Atonement makes it possible for all of us to repent and eventually return to our Heavenly Father in our own family units.

The Family is so incredibly important because it is preparation for our lives in the eternities. A family made up of a husband, a wife, and children, is the perfect setup for this mortal life, and the one which can bring the most happiness. All of the problems in our world can be traced back to problems within the home (within families). Parenthood is not something to be taken lightly. The Lord has commanded us to have children and to raise them in love and righteousness. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states: “We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in full force” (1995). Because the spirit children of our father in Heaven rely on us on earth to provide them with the mortal bodies they need in order to progress in the divine plan, husbands and wives need to take their responsibility of parenthood very seriously.

Heavenly Father loves us more than we can ever imagine. He knows that it is through our families that we can receive the most joy in this life and throughout eternity. 

On a personal note... My family is more important to me than anything. My husband Brian and I were sealed in the Spokane, Washington temple. This sealing ceremony bound us together as husband and wife not only "'till death do us part", but for eternity! I can't imagine living for eternity without my best friend and love of my life- can you?

I am so, SO thankful for God's plan for families. I am so thankful that I can live with my family forever, if we remain true to the covenants we made in the temple. Another amazing blessing that comes with the sealing covenant is the promise that a sealed couple's children are also sealed to them for eternity. So, my little guy was automatically sealed to Brian and I when he was born, since we were married in the temple. Isn't that amazing?! I love temples.

Here's a picture of the temple we got married in:
(from https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/temples/spokane-washington?lang=eng)

What is the Family Proclamation?

In earlier posts, and in this blog’s description, I’ve mentioned The Family: A Proclamation to the World. What is this? This document is very special to members of the LDS Church, and here’s why:

In 1995, the prophet at the time, President Gordon B. Hinckley, gave a talk during a Relief Society general meeting. (This broadcast was for all of the women of the Church to attend.) During the broadcast, President Hinckley explained that the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (the general authorities of the Church) had recently put together a declaration. He then read the family proclamation.

This inspired document has a few purposes: 1) to declare to the world the stance which The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has in matters on the Family; 2) to declare to the world what the Lord wants and expects from His children, in terms of family relations; 3) to give members of the Church a guideline for the way they should strive to raise their families in today’s world; and 4) to warn the world that the degradation of the Family is and will continue to be the cause of many of our society’s problems.

This proclamation is special to me. In my home, it is hanging on a wall in our living room, for all to see. My husband and I strive to establish our home to be one that allows the presence of the Holy Ghost, and that is a place of refuge for our family. The Family: A Proclamation to the World can help anyone in their desire to build a peaceful and loving home.

Video: The Importance of Family ("Proclamation")

Elder M. Russell Ballard beautifully explains the importance of the family unit in our society. Here's the link to the video:

http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2011-07-48-proclamation?lang=eng

What's Most Important?

In today’s world, we have more options than ever before! No matter our background, we can shape our futures into anything we want them to be. As a woman, I can major in anything I want to in college, pursue any career that I want, and even have a family at the same time. My husband and I can choose to have no children or 10. We can travel the world or decide to establish roots in one place. There are so many choices!

President David O. McKay, the ninth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, once declared that “no other success can compensate for failure in the home” (McKay, 1935). This causes me to believe that the decisions I make in my life should be centered on family; the things that I do should promote the welfare of my family.

I know that in today’s world, families are not all that important. Birth rates are declining, the average age for marriage is rising, and divorce rates are astounding. Self-interest is at the heart of these trends. Everything today seems to be about ME, “#1”. What’s best for ME? What can I do to feel good about myself?

I know that the things I write about could make some people upset, even offend them. Don’t we all deserve to be happy? Well, of course we do! But the frantic pursuit of self is causing a lot of harm to the fundamental unit of society: The Family. Fathers are abandoning their children; mothers are choosing careers over their children; husbands and wives are seeking fulfillment outside of their marriage vows; children are being born into less-than ideal homes.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states: “We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children” (para. 1). The family unit is essential to God’s plan for His children, but most people today don’t seem to realize or care about this.

I want people to understand that marriage is beautiful and sacred. I want husbands and wives to understand that they need to serve each other in order to be happy in their relationship. I want men and women to understand that having sex outside of marriage is extremely dangerous, with extremely serious consequences. I want mothers and fathers to understand that their children are not just their own- they are children of Heavenly Father and should be treated as so.

I know that there is a God and that He loves us. I know that He has a son, Jesus Christ, who suffered and died so that each of us could return to Heavenly Father again. I know that the plan which God has designed for us is the only way to true and lasting happiness.