So I've talked about the importance of marriage, and how it fits into God's eternal plan for us. But is it possible to make a marriage succeed in today's world? Why do so many couples get divorced? How can I have faith in such a scary time for families?
Spencer W. Kimball, twelfth president of the Church, once said at a BYU devotional:
"While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person" (from Duncan and McCarty Zasukha, 2012; quoted from Kimball, 1976).
What an amazing declaration! Doesn't that just make you want to do everything in your power to achieve this "exultant ecstasy"?! How CAN we achieve this?
Stephan F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty Zasukha, in the textbook Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, describe the different principles which they claim make for successful marriages. The principles found in this chapter are: personal commitment to the marriage covenant; love and friendship; positive interaction; accepting influence from one's spouse; respectfully handle differences and solve problems; and continuing courtship through the years (Duncan & McCarty Zasukha, 2012).
In the house of the Lord- the temple- individuals make sacred covenants with God, and husbands and wives make sacred covenants to each other as well as to God. We are promised that when we keep our covenants, we will blessed with an eternal family. Husbands and wives have the sacred duty to be completely faithful to each other. Elder David A. Bednar describes the beautiful relationship between a husband, wife, and the Lord by using a triangle:
"The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily "come unto Christ" and strive to be "perfected in Him" (Moroni 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and woman come closer together" (from Duncan and McCarty Zasukha, 2012; quoted from Bednar, 2006).
We've probably all heard the advice, "marry your best friend". Well, this statement has validity to it! Spouses who learn to have a deeper love than simply passionate love, can truly become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). When the Lord describes the way husbands and wives should love and commit to one another, He is describing a love that involves personal agency (Duncan and McCarty Zasukha, 2012). Love that lasts through the eternities is a love that must be deeper than physical attraction, even deeper than mere friendship. Eternal love is Christ-like love, or charity (see Moroni 7:47). I can say that I have been surprised that I could learn to love my husband Brian more deeply as time goes on. On our wedding day, it seemed that my heart would burst- how could I possibly love him more?! Standing through trials and heartache together; learning to accept weaknesses; and clinging to each other "and none else" (Doctrine and Covenants 42:22) all help a husband and wife learn to love each other with eternal love and friendship.
Spouses who have more positive than negative interaction with each other are more likely to have a successful marriage (Gottman and Silver, 1999). It is important for a husband and wife to strive to be kind and forgiving, happy, and loving toward one another. Obviously, there are times when disagreements come up, but when spouses strive to maintain an environment of peace and harmony between each other, disagreements are less likely to become bigger, long-lasting problems.
Duncan and McCarty Zasukha (2012) explain that spouses should equally share the influence over their families and homes. Husbands who believe that they have the final say in family matters are misled. The Lord expects husbands and wives to be completely equal. A few weeks ago, the introduction to my class's lesson (it was a lesson on equality in marriage) explained that unity and equal partnership is a divine quality. Complete oneness within a marriage is not something that comes naturally; spouses must consciously strive to draw nearer to each other.
Differences and disagreements do come up in a marriage, since a marriage is made up of two unique and imperfect people. When disagreements do arise, husbands and wives should do their best to maintain respect and love for each other. Problems should not be left to simmer; they need to be dealt with right away and with love and respect. Some problems need not arise at all, through prevention (Duncan and McCarty Zasukha, 2012). One way to prevent problems from coming up is by being transparent to one another: keep each other involved in all aspects of life, and don't ever let the communication lines run down.
Finally, husbands and wives should never stop dating each other! Before we got married, my in-laws gave Brian and I the advice to have a date night every week. Having dates with my husband really makes me a happy woman. It is so nice to get the time alone with him, without distractions. I think we would go crazy if we didn't get alone-time together! I'm a believer of the idea that having consistent date nights can protect a marriage from losing its spark.
These principles are based on research as well as spiritual principles. The Lord really does want husbands and wives to succeed, so He has given us the tools we need in order to make our marriages successful.
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