More on Fatherhood

This is one of the best ideas I've ever heard about... a website completely dedicated to fatherhood! Please check it out! "Fatherlessness is a growing crises in America, one that undergirds many of the challenges families are facing" (The President's Fatherhood Pledge).
www.fatherhood.gov

If you are a father, you can take the President's pledge and commit to being the best dad you can be!
https://www.fatherhood.gov/pledge

Relationship Advice

Check out these awesome websites! The first one has a ton of great relationship advice, whether you're dating around, in a committed relationship, engaged, married, or in the parenting phase!

The second one is the website of the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center.

EDUCATE YOURSELF and enjoy a healthy, stable relationship!
www.twoofus.org
http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/index.aspx

Learn more about the Family!

Family Values (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)

http://www.mormon.org/values/family

Work, Work, Work!

As a stay-at-home mom, the home can sometimes feel like a cage, if I’m being completely honest. Don’t get me wrong- I LOVE being able to stay home my son, and I am grateful to have the house as my domain. But all of the dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. CAN get pretty tedious. However, I never really realized how important work is for a family until getting married myself. How would we survive if both my husband and I worked equally hard to run the home? We wouldn’t survive! Or at least, we’d be living in a pigsty!

Growing up, my mom didn’t give me a lot of responsibility around the house, aside from the basic room-cleaning or dish-clearing. I don’t think I ever fully cleaned a bathroom until I got to college! Part of this was because my mother is a VERY clean person, but part of this was also because it stressed her out to teach us kids how to do things that she could just do herself!

A few weeks ago in my Family class, we discussed the importance of work within a family. In an article titled “Family Work”, Kathleen Slaugh Bahr and Cheri A. Loveless explain that in today’s world, the value of work is underappreciated, particularly in the family/home setting:

“Even the purpose of family work was given a facelift. Once performed to nurture and care for one another, it was reduced to "housework" and was done to create "atmosphere." Since work in the home had "use value" instead of "exchange value," it remained outside the market economy and its worth became invisible. Being a mother now meant spending long hours at a type of work that society said mattered little and should be "managed" to take no time at all.

Prior to modernization, children shared much of the hard work, laboring alongside their fathers and mothers in the house and on the farm or in a family business. This work was considered good for them--part of their education for adulthood. Children were expected to learn all things necessary for a good life by precept and example, and it was assumed that the lives of the adults surrounding them would be worthy of imitation.”

Parents have the responsibility of teaching their children how to work hard (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, para. 8).

Since Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden and were commanded to work for their livelihood, humankind became a race of working beings. We are made to work! (Bahr, Manwaring, Loveless, & Bailey Bahr, 2012).

Running a home is not supposed to be a one-man (or woman) show. Spouses should work together, involving their children, to keep the family home running smoothly. And it IS important to keep a home running smoothly. In Successful Marriages and Families, Bahr, Manwaring, Loveless, and Bailey Bahr described the term “housework” as something that “no one wants to do”. However, this very work is what can help bring families closer together. “The daily work of feeding, clothing, and sheltering others has the power to transform us spiritually as we transform others physically” (Bahr, Manwaring, Loveless, & Bailey Bahr, 2012).

It would do families a lot of good to work together in a common effort- as a team- to maintain and take care of the home. Family work is necessary work, and it shouldn’t be considered meaningless. 

Waiting for Dad

Waiting for Dad (Mormon Ads)

Fatherhood

Fatherhood. More advocacy for fatherhood is out there than ever before. More and more fathers are engaged in the lives of their children. Does a kid really need his/her dad?

Growing up, I was somewhat of a “daddy’s girl”. Everyone always told me I looked more like my dad than my mom, so I always felt we had a special connection. Things changed however, when my parents got divorced and my dad remarried very quickly. I don’t think our relationship has ever been the same since then. While my dad was married to his second wife, I felt that he neglected my siblings and me in some ways, especially me. He disappointed me so many times that I learned to not completely trust his word. I love my father- he is a good man. But he could have done a lot of things differently.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World (paragraph 7) states: “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.”

So what are the things that a father can do to raise secure, well-adjusted children? The textbook Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives gives some “key principles and practices in fathering”:

1)      “To preside

2)      “To partner

3)      “To be present

4)      “To provide

5)      “To protect (Brotherson, 2012)”

Furthermore, the textbook explains (all of this information is found in Chapter 13: “’Honor Thy Father’”: Key Principles and Practices in Fathering”) that “fathers have the ability, for good or ill, to exercise great power and influence in the lives of their children and families” (Brotherson, 2012).

Fatherhood is more than significant- it is essential to the well-being of children.

I asked my husband Brian what his thoughts on fatherhood are. I specifically asked him what he believes fathers need to do in order to raise healthy, happy children. These were some of his thoughts:

•  Because of a father’s leadership role, he needs to support his children and give them praise and one-on-one time (to validate their self-worth)
• A father needs to go out of his way to notice the skills and gifts of his children
•  He needs to mentor his children; PRAISE/COMPLIMENTS are most important
• Be interested in what his children do
• A father should be a spiritual example- words are nothing without actions (SHOWING love); it takes more than actions outside the home- these actions need to be done in the home, to the children

Motherhood

I know- I've posted a lot recently about womanhood and motherhood... but it is SO important! I truly believe that the well-being of women and mothers greatly determine the well-being of families.

“Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother's image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child's mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world.”
( Gospel Ideals, [1953], 452.) 

Being a Woman

Elder Neil A. Maxwell once said: “When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this."

Even though much of the world today views the traditional roles of wife and motherhood as oppressive to women, I am grateful to be a wife and a mother. Being a part of a loving family is more rewarding than any other thing I have accomplished in my life. I am also so grateful to be a woman, and to have more opportunities than women before me have had. But I wish that people wouldn't believe that being a wife and a mother is oppressive to my gender. Elder Bruce C. Hafen, in his talk "Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners", he explains that "...the restored gospel teaches the eternal idea that husbands and wives are interdependent with each other. They are equal. They are partners" (Hafen 2007). Although much of the world believes otherwise, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches the doctrine that men and women are completely equal in the sight of God, and that husbands and wives are meant to be equal partners in the marital relationship.

I love being a woman. I know that "all human beings... are created in the image of God" ("The Family: A Proclamation to the World", para. 2). I know that Heavenly Father loves His daughters, and that He blesses them with special gifts.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Check out this amazing, inspired document! It makes so many things clear.
https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

Are Men and Women Really Different?

Today, I want to talk about a touchy topic: Gender. The reason I call this a touchy subject is because there is so much debate on what gender actually is today. The main point I want to get across here: Gender DOES matter- it matters so, SO much.

In order to help me with this segment of my blog, I asked for some input from family and friends. The question I asked them: “What does it mean to be a woman? What does womanhood mean to you?” I received several answers from women who come from different walks of life, all providing their personal testimony on this subject.

From a college student: “Women. I think as women we have an important and special connection with our Heavenly Father. Many people think that because we don't have the Priesthood we are left out of certain blessings and we aren't held to a standard as high as the men. I believe that we receive all the same blessings and the bar is being raised for us as women as much as it is for men. I believe a woman's highest calling is motherhood. Not every woman will be blessed with that on this earth and some won't desire it either but that doesn't make it any less important. I know that being a mother is what Heavenly Father wants me to do. Whether it is for my own kids or the kids that I will eventually teach in the classroom. I know that we are blessed with a special caring spirit. We are important. Our Heavenly Father values us and loves us. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

I am a woman. I am a daughter of God, and I lived with Him in Heaven before I came to this earth in my mortal body. I have woman parts. I also have the brain of a woman. But most importantly, I have the spirit of a woman.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World (the best source to turn to for all questions regarding gender) clearly and profoundly states: “All human beings-male and female- are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose” (para. 2). Based on this prophetic declaration, gender is more than just a concept or idea: gender is literally a critical part of our eternal identity.

Perhaps the first thing that needs to be discussed is the meaning of “eternal identity”. As Latter-day Saints, we believe that each and every person is more than just a mortal person with a mortal body, mind, and feelings. Each and every person has an eternal spirit that lived before he or she came to earth as a newborn infant. The Plan of Salvation perfectly explains God’s plan for all His children. To review what this plan is, please see my earlier post “What’s the Big Deal?” (or visit lds.org).

From a college student: “I think being a woman is no different than being a man. At our core, we all want love, trust, kindness, and compassion. I do not think that biological sex defines who you are. It is society that has categorized us into tiny boxes that depend upon gender. I believe that a person born with a penis can be just as much of a woman as a person born with a vagina. While there are biological and physical differences between men and women, I believe that the idea of being a woman is founded in the gender stereotypes of our past. Gender is a fluid entity and women who has “masculine” traits are not any less of a woman or more of a man. It is not at our core to be a particular gender (note the difference between gender and sex), but it is society that has placed constraints about how we should act, dress and feel based on our biological sex. I think what it means to be a woman is to be a human being with all of our genius and flaws independent of which pronoun we prefer.”

To be completely honest, I get a really yucky feeling inside of me when I hear about the notion which argues that gender is nothing more than a body part, or that it is nothing more than society’s concoction. When I hear about these ideas, I think to myself, “So it doesn’t matter whatsoever that I am a woman? It doesn’t matter that I am choosing to be a wife and a mother, because anyone else could take my place? It doesn’t matter that my baby son is a boy? The fact that he is a boy is just based on a chance encounter of sperm and egg?” This idea makes me very sad.

My husband and I were talking about the concept of gender recently, since this blog project is something that has sparked a lot of deep, personal thoughts for me. He brought up some great points. If gender doesn’t matter, then why does research show that young girls (as a whole) prefer socially interactive games, while young boys prefer physically-based games? If gender doesn’t matter, then why do I see so many little girls wanting to care for their own “baby” (doll, etc.)? I know the argument is that society is what defines gender, and that the only reason girls and boys do certain things differently is because society tells them/pressures them so. Oh, I so wish I could make all of these nay-sayers believe that gender is much more than that! Yes, society does create certain pressures and ideas about gender, especially when it comes to gender roles. But our gender is inherent- we cannot change it. Our bodies, our minds, our spirits- have an eternal destiny. I know that there are people who struggle with gender identity, and this is something that can be very painful. But Heavenly Father created each of us with a purpose in mind; our gender directly relates to and affects that purpose.

From a wife, mother of 3, grandmother of 6, and great-grandmother of 1: “I love the fact that being a woman allows me to show my feelings. I know men can, and some do, but as a woman, I can hug and kiss children, adults (family and friends); I can cry, act silly, be "over expressive" if I feel like it, laugh at myself or even be alone to pray, reflect, ponder a solution and even be sad or melancholy. Being able to express the emotions God gave us without being unduly criticized, is one way I am able to show who I am. It a way of being able to be compassionate, loving and give of myself to others. And I can say "I love you" whenever I want to and think it is appropriate…”

There is a lot that goes into being a woman. Yes, I am biologically capable of bearing children. But my brain and my heart are different than the brain and heart of my husband, a male. When my son is upset, I am the one he turns to for comfort. Daddy can make things better, and he turns to Daddy for protection. But no one can soothe my baby as well as I can. He knows that there is something different about me. I am a nurturer. How does my little guy know that Daddy and Mommy are different? No one told him that Daddy is different than Mommy, or that we do different things. Part of this difference in his mind definitely has to do with the fact that he can obtain sustenance from my body. But he notices that my husband and I each provide different comforts to him.

“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, para. 7). We can't get around the fact that men and women were created differently for a divine purpose. (Please keep in mind that "different" does NOT mean "unequal".)

The reason I am talking about this is because I believe that most of the confusion in today’s world comes back to the confusion that surrounds the concept of GENDER. Relationships, marriages, and families are affected by the way people view themselves as female or male. And families are affected by the way parents teach their children about being female or male.

From a wife and mother of 3: "To me, being a woman means many things.  As I have been thinking about what to write, I realized that the role I play as a woman has changed over the course of my life, and I believe it will continue to do so.  As I was young, I remember church lessons in which we were asked to prepare ourselves for the important roles that many of us were sure to fill.  Wife, mother, teacher, caregiver, these were all roles I imagined myself filling one day.  As a married mother of three my role as a woman certainly means a lot of things.  I believe I have a sacred calling to raise my children with as much patience and love as I can each day.  I believe as a woman I have been given specific gifts that can help and guide me when I am trying to do my best.  These gifts I feel don't apply only to my children, but rather to all people.  I feel that being a woman blesses us with a desire to help all people, and when we are willing and looking for the opportunity to help others, they will come.  I can remember several instances in which a friend needed some help.  Maybe she just had a baby, maybe she was moving, maybe she was going through a tough time...no matter the case, when women band together to help someone in need, they are a force to be reckoned with!  That is what I love about being a woman: the closeness and unity I feel with other women when we are serving others.  As I grow older, and when my children grow older and move out of the house, I feel my identity as a woman may change.  But I feel I will always be able to find ways to feel fulfilled in my role as a woman."

In my church, we believe that Satan was cast out of Heaven during the premortal life because he rebelled against Heavenly Father’s plan. He took 1/3 of the spirit children with him when he became the devil. Because Satan rejected the Plan of Salvation, he never gets to receive a body, and he never gets to progress: He is stuck in an endless state of misery, because he is separated from Heavenly Father forever. It is Satan’s main goal to turn as many people as he can away from the light of truth, “for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself” (2 Nephi 2:27). He knows that the Family is the thing which can bring the most joy in this life and throughout eternity, so he tries very hard to destroy as many families as he can. And because gender identity has such a direct effect on family life, Satan tries very hard to confuse what gender actually is.

I know that the things I have said will not be popular, and maybe even offensive, to a lot of people.  But it needs to be made known that gender DOES matter- it matters so much! The fact that you are a woman or a man matters so much to your identity and purpose.

From a wife, and mother of 5: “I've thought a lot about this and there is so much to "womanhood", but everything really comes down to being a NURTURER.  If I think about all the different stages of my life, and think of other women, even ones who have taken a different path- this is primarily what sets us apart from men.  I have a friend who is a mother and works outside the home- and even then, her role still is to be the one to make sure everyone else is healthy and happy and that things are running smoothly in the home.  Her husband certainly picks up a large portion of the physical work when it comes to their kids and home, but SHE is still the one that makes sure that happens.  For someone like me, as a traditional stay at home mom, my whole world revolves around this, and my womanhood gives me the mental and emotional capacity to manage a bustling household.  Even women who are not in a traditional role, bring this kind of asset to their jobs- they for the most part are better than men at multi tasking and seeing the needs of others (or the company) around them.  It doesn't mean that men can't do these things in their way, but women seem to be hardwired to see and feel more outside of themselves.  I heard of analogy between men and women and the way our brains work- - men have everything stored in tidy little boxes, and they don't move between boxes very easily.  Whereas a woman's brain is like a million interconnecting wires going every which way and everything is connected.  This gives us the ability to take care of five children at the same instance [although it doesn't mean we don't get stressed over it :)], and think about the bills, laundry, homework, callings and how they all connect to each other. “